Why Putting Someone On A Pedestral Never Works

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blogging on relationships, couple therapy, gratitude, life coach for expats, life coach SG, life coaching, relationship issues, the indo expat, what you know about you (readers' blogs), why putting someone on a pedestral never works

If you’re like me, you prioritise your partner when you’re in love. Even when you’re angry or having an argument that they started, you still apologise and try to cheer them up – while swallowing your pride and ego. In fact, having pride and ego won’t get you much loving in a romantic relationship.

So like most love stories, I was in several relationships where I thought the girl was my angel and that I would do anything to make her happy. That means I’ve brought meals to bed when she’s too lazy to get out of bed, hunt around for that pair of heels that she wanted (and sent me a picture of), moved closer to where she was because she said she didn’t have the finance (and family approval) to do so, and so on and so forth.

I even made it a point to be nice to her parents and make them laugh wherever possible. 

Even if they disapprove of our relationship and so hates me for “taking their daughter” away.

When I dated girls who were still at college, I thought, “Ok I guess they need time to be independent,” and I dismissed any lack of interpersonal skills as merely because they needed time to be independent.

Then when I dated girls who were already making their own money, I still ended up being the one who provided financially, and strangely, I’ve never thought of the fact that they didn’t offer to at least buy me a meal every now and then, or at that we could alternate spending and other ways of letting them contribute.

My good friends at that time said I made it too easy by willingly spending my hard-earned money when a relationship is all about sharing.

I simply laughed that off.

But after a recently breakup, I began to notice my own habits and patterns. And I realised I’ve put my partners on a pedestral – and they’re all unappreciative.

In fact, the recent one told me that I didn’t have to do all that, and that “no one told you to come”.

We had been through some serious storms and it hurt to hear her say that. Then I start to wonder, why do I allow myself to be treated that way?

And I actually know the answer.

I was actually afraid of losing her. So I probably did all that so she would be happy. And happy people don’t leave, right?

Wrong. I looked at the people she’s surrounded by. No one really does anything for her but she’s more than happy to be with them. Even when friends talked bad about her behind her back, or her family threatening to isolate her; she still wants to be with them.

And me? I open my doors to people (in her life) who dislike me just because they don’t agree with her preference, and in the end she left me.

So although we should think the best of people, I would say we should take that with a pinch of salt. It’s nice to think that a person is awesome, but when we are proven wrong we need to recognise that. For me, that’s really hard because when I love someone, I tend to overlook their flaws and keep wanting to believe that they’re just being human.

But it’s not human to leave someone who loves you and has given you much love. And certainly not to laugh in their faces when they’re upset.

Most parents want their child to be happy and to be with someone whom they love and who loves them. 

Some parents want their child to only date who they approve. And this means they’ll have to live longer than their child so their child can continue to follow their instructions until the end of their lives.

If you have to put someone on a pedestral, that could be yourself.

What To Do With An Unwanted Breakup

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coming to terms, how to deal with breakups, life coach, life coaching, love and relationships, relationship issue, self healing, unwanted breakup

The irony is I’m still dealing with it as I’m writing this. But along the way, I discovered some things about myself and about the person I was in a relationship with, some good and some bad, but they are all part of the journey.

I entered most relationships with the intention of making it last as long as I was alive. Yes, I’m one of those who believe in happily ever after and am willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen. And most of those promising relationships started with that over-the-moon romantic feelings where you can’t just wait to be with the person every minute of the hour. Some people may say that is the honeymoon period, or that love always starts with butterflies in your tummy or at least some other amazing feelings that come with finding someone special. 

But like most of you who can recall that very first time you fell for that person, you can practically relive that scene again. 

Because it’s an unwanted breakup, you can imagine the pain I was in. I was also in disbelief, anger, disappointment, deep sadness, denial and so on. It was also a shock for me because I didn’t see it coming – it happened only a day after we celebrated Christmas and I flew over just to be with her and bring her a special gift; something that she wanted and needed.

I couldn’t believe after three years together she would do this to me. To us. And over text as well. I felt stripped off my feelings and disregarded as a human being, and most importantly, my existence to her. And when I tried to talk to her, we ended up arguing and fighting. I felt helpless and in despair.

I couldn’t step out of my house or room without my eyes watering ever so often. I tried to hide my tears and face by looking downwards most of the time and wearing sunglasses. 

I didn’t want anyone to ask me what’s wrong. 

I went through hundreds of websites on relationships and sought to find others with similar experiences. I wanted answers, and I wanted them fast. And I was still hopeful, hoping that this was just a nightmare that I could wake up from and that I still had my baby with me.

I listened to sad love songs that made me feel worse and I hardly felt like doing anything else. I looked at our photos together and reread the loving messages we used to exchange. All of these made me cry uncontrollably but I couldn’t stop myself.

She was harsh one moment, and somewhat nice the next. The rollercoaster ride of emotions drained me and even as I ran at the beach I felt my knees become weak and I fell into the patch of green grass, and quickly covered my face to avoid curious stares. Then I looked at the ocean and cried out to it silently. 

I know, that was not particularly attractive.

But I was overwhelmed by the pain and it seemed to take an automatic control over me, and I was a willing participant.

Fast forward to my current state as I’m writing this, I’d like to think that I am slowly coming to terms with what has happened. I still want to believe in a miracle, but for now I need to accept the situation as it is and work on recovering so I can welcome love back into my life when it comes.

The funny thing was, I started to think about what I loved about her. I also thought about the lengths I would go to make my relationship with a special someone work. Now I know what I’m capable of and what I’d do for love. I also know what I find attractive and lovable about a person and the kind of girl I would love to be with. It doesn’t mean I’m building up some Barbie doll list, but I know I would appreciate traits such as independence, good communication, endurance, and so on. And for myself, I will work on traits that I agree that can be better as well.

But for as far as prejudice goes, I will maintain my low tolerance for it.

When You’re Broken-hearted

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breakups and broken hearts, how to cope with a broken heart, life coach, life coach for expats, life coaching, lonesome and blue, self healing, the indo expat, what to do when you're in pain, what you know about you, writing therapy

It doesn’t feel good. 

You don’t feel good. The days ahead seem dark and you just don’t feel like doing anything except to burying your head into the palms of your hands. While the reasons for your broken heart can range from romantic relationships to disappointments in people or even some event, the thing is, you need some time and space solely for yourself.

Like you, I’ve been through several broken hearts. But none of them hurt me as bad as the recent one. I felt like life had been sucked out of me, as if that you-know-who from Harry Potter had done so. But if that were the case, I’d just feel lethargic and can go on to replenish my lost ions.

Instead, I literally felt myself wasting away. It’s like you can see how pathetic you look in the mirror but you can’t help it. Or at least you actually felt comfort in seeing that you are indeed miserable.

The science of this is your heart beats faster and you feel like you can’t breathe. Then with that continuous vicious cycle, you may start to get dizzy or lose appetite. For the first two weeks, I even thought of running to the front of the buses. I ate to mask my sadness so that people around me won’t get worried about me. 

But that’s me. You probably have a different way of coping with this. We all differ from how we react and manage our emotions. Some of us are very vocal about it while the others prefer to keep it to themselves.

For me though, I kept it to myself because I didn’t want to explain to anyone and I certainly didn’t want them to start criticising or advising me in any way. 

I just wanted to be alone.

I tried to drag myself to work in those first two weeks and I couldn’t stop tearing up. I was conscious of people around me and I didn’t want my colleagues or clients to worry and ask, so I took leave off work to cry in silence. When I mustered enough courage and calmness to get to work, I found myself breaking into tears in the toilets. As I looked into the mirror, I saw a tired-looking, reddish face with pinkish eyes looking back at me. I didn’t like what I saw but I found comfort in it. And then I reminded myself that I’m still at work and I couldn’t afford to let my clients see me this way. So I slapped my face lightly a few times and washed it repeatedly with cold water. 

Then I could carry on what I was supposed to do until the end of the day.

Over the next couple of weeks, I was disengaged and uninterested in people and things that were happening around me. My family and close friends could see that I was visibly upset but while they did not ask me, they provided me with financial and energy resources such as making sure that I was eating well. For this, I was grateful but I still did not want to share my pain with anyone.

Eventually as more weeks passed, I began to share with a mentor whom I knew could be objective, understanding and compassionate. In fact, he knew what happened even without knowing the detail of it. I must have shared with him the same story a hundred times but his compassion for me was unwavering. I found comfort in our conversations and I did begin to feel better. 

Embracing my pain of an unwanted breakup wasn’t part of my recovery plan but now I could see how it should be included. By feeling the maximum pain, or at least most of it, I think I am starting to come to peace with it. Sure, there are still days where I don’t feel like doing anything except to wallow in sadness, but I’m taking the time that I need for myself.

Healing can begin.

Hanging Out With An Ex Girlfriend After A Breakup

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after a breakup, broken heart, couple, hanging out with an ex girlfriend, happiness therapy, life coach for expats, lifecoach, lifecoaching, love is love, relationship talk, solutions, the indo expat

Like many of you, I was devastated when my girlfriend broke up with me. To make matters worse, she did it over text, right after we spent some good time together during a festive season. 

I was shocked, sad and angry at both her and her family. Because her family did not accept us and kept pressurising her to break up with me. 

She tried her best to cope with her family. But eventually, especially after she had to move back to live with them and depend on them financially, she told me she couldn’t cope anymore.

This post is about us hanging out after the breakup so I will focus on that.

We live in different places so after the breakup it was not that difficult not to meet. After a few months, somehow, we decided to go on a holiday together. For me, it was tough because I was still grieving but on the other hand, I missed her a lot and being able to spend good time with her was all I cared about. My friends all thought I’m crazy and that I shouldn’t care about a person who doesn’t care enough to be with me despite the tough conditions. Logically my brain warned me of the heartache I would be feeling again but my heart convinced me otherwise.

So we went for a trip to a beautiful tropical island and she planned the itinerary while I provided the financial resources. We had an awesome time; it felt like she was still my girlfriend and that we were still together. We did not talk once about our relationship and she told me a few months ago. I also didn’t want to pursue that. 

I wanted to make every moment with her count.

During the trip, we held hands, fed each other food, and basically behaved like a loving couple. I decided not to talk about heavy stuff because when I looked at her, I just wanted to capture that smile and look in my mind. Although I didn’t know what the future was and if this was permanent or not, I didn’t want to think too much. Both of us had set aside precious time for the trip and I wanted to treasure that. I decided to focus on having a good time with her, to bask in the love that we still had for each other. 

After the trip, we talked as if we were still together. We skyped and enjoyed movies together – until one day she snapped. She snapped when I tried to show my concern for her as she was travelling to some place on her own. She told me to remember that we were not together and that we didn’t have any status. 
That hurt me a lot. I suppose it hurt because I wanted to have her back, and I wanted to revive the love we had. And I was also confused. Didn’t we just have such a great trip last month? Didn’t we behaved lovingly? 

Being slapped back to the cruel situation we were facing brought me back to square one of my healing. She went back to being both cold and distant – though she teared up a bit when she saw me in tears when I went to see her once more. And she came forward to hug me and told me I would be alright. 

It hurt even more this time.

But I embraced it because I did not want to avoid this. Some people may say it is not a good idea to hang out with someone who dropped you like that but I knew I had to see her. I wanted to see her. Avoidance may provide relief temporarily but I needed to heal close to completion. And so I went with my heart; I still continued to open myself to her and communicated whenever she did as well.

What I’ve learnt from this is I really love her. I was angry at first and then deeply saddened but I remembered this was the person I fell in love with, and some of the qualities that made me fall in love with her were still there. So I hung onto those, as much as I could, and while they were still before my eyes.

For those of you who are hurting, by all means embrace it, if you can take it. If avoiding is a better solution for you, then by all means do so as well. There is no perfect solution to a broken heart, and neither is there “the best way” to react to a former love.
Whatever will be, will be.

How To Know If Your Therapist Is Objective and Neutral

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ethics in psychology, finding a good therapist, how to know if your therapist is objective and neutral, life coach SG, life coaching, love and relationships, multilingual therapist, objectivity and factual, personal development and well-being, positive psychology, professional therapists, psychotherapist Singapore, psychotherapy, relationship issues, short reads in psychology, the indo expat

  
Having a life coach or similar therapist is almost as common as having your own private gym instructor these days. But whether you’re looking for a therapist for the first time or wondering if you should continue with your current therapist, objectivity and being neutral are must-have traits of a professional therapist.

As a start, therapists are supposed to possess the following:

– Recognised qualifications (check for authenticity!)

– Friendly and approachable attitude

– Profile where you can have an idea of what he or she is like as a person and their life experiences

– Strong interpersonal communication skills (fluent?)

And more. The above are what you can understand before even booking the first session, or, during a complimentary consultation before it.

We all have our own opinions and ways of life. An objective therapist will not use his or her agenda upon you. What does this mean?

Consider the following conversation:

You: I’m not sure if I should get a divorce…

Therapist: Well God wouldn’t like that. 

Maybe God wouldn’t, maybe He would. No one knows, unless the therapist happens to be God Himself or is able to arrange a meeting for you to meet up with God. An objective therapist would probably respond in the following ways:

– Could you tell me more (about this dilemma)?

– What are you not sure about?

– What are you considering?

Being objective is to base on facts, not feelings or emotions. The therapist gets facts by asking you, not telling you. If you had wanted information, you would have attended a lecture, seminar, or simply googled. But you’re in a therapy FOR YOU, neither for your therapist nor the person(s) who make you come for it. It is important to be aware of this as some unprofessional therapists take the easy way out by preaching to you and essentially became salespeople. 

Good therapists are genuine about people. They are non-judgmental and want to help their clients achieve what they want.

You may have come across non-judgmental people before. Think of people you met for the first time. Since they don’t know you, their thoughts about you are solely based on what they can see, and the comments that you make. Now let’s take that online. You can’t see the person and neither can they see you. This means both of you can only form thoughts based on the meaning of the words that you have interpreted for yourself. But most of us are likely to feel less judged as we do not know who or how many people are behind the monitor screen. So when you get an innocent question such as “What makes you happy?”, you can answer it without feeling actual eyes or facial expressions reacting to you as you do.

Your therapist could let you know how they let you know they are listening to you. This means some therapists nod, some don’t. Others smile, some don’t. But smiling and nodding may sometimes be interpreted as “in agreement”, and the therapist’s job is not to agree or disagree with you. Remember, it is clarity and awareness that allow you to choose for yourself, because you are in charge of what you want to do and achieve.

So the next time you’re with your therapist, seek facts. Validate the facts by finding out where they come from, check if they’re reliable, and the number of credible studies that contain similar facts.

Want to speak to a therapist? Email us at theindoexpat@gmail.com and enquire now.

Getting Through Heartache After Heartache

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believe in love, building resilience, coach for expats, eat pray love, how to get through heartache after heartache, life coach SG, life coaching, meditation, positive psychology, reading for the soul, relationship coaching, relationship talk, the industrial and organizational expat

  
You probably never thought that it would happen to you. As you sit alone now, thinking about the good times more than the bad times, you feel worse because you don’t know if those good times would ever come back again.

Maybe they will. Maybe they won’t.

Then you start wondering if that person misses your good times together. You wonder if he or she is also feeling the same pain. You wonder why he or she doesn’t tell you how they’re feeling right now.

And guess what, they’re probably thinking the same too.

Of course, it depends on how bad the breakup was. The thing is, if both of you had put in so much into this relationship, no matter how “mutual” or “bad” the breakup was, it stings. 

It may sting in different level for you and your ex partner, but it still stings.

And if it doesn’t sting for him or her, then it’s better you know this now so you can truly begin on a path to self-healing and loving.

If the relationship lasted this long, it had something powerful in there. It is then up to human nature to make or break it, just like how some people can go bankrupt despite having abundant money at the beginning. 

When you have gone through heartache after heartache, you might start to get disillusioned or disappointed with love. But not everyone knows how to love, and some don’t even love themselves. 

While most of us fall in love without qualifying that person before we do so, this is where when bad times strike, we start wondering why we were so “blind” at the beginning.

Don’t regret. When you and that person started this relationship, both of you wanted to love and be loved. And that was achieved. Sustaining it, however, was the next level.

So don’t be hard on yourself, stop criticising yourself. You did what you could, you were still standing there even as they turned their backs and walked out of that door. 

You can’t stop people from doing such things to you. But at least don’t let them take away your sanity and inside happiness. 

It’s not easy and it hurts. 

But don’t be jaded. Believe that love will find its way to you. You’ll have to be ready when it comes. And continue to put in that amount of energy, feelings and all that you want, into giving the best of you.

For relationship coaching, please email us at theindoexpat@gmail.com

What To Do When You Meet Nasty People

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happiness therapy, life coach for expats, life coach SG, life coaching, life coaching Singapore, multilingual, the indo expat, what to do when you meet nasty people

  Nasty people appear every now and then. When they appear though, it can sometimes feel like the whole world is full of them.

But they’re only a fraction of the world population, even when they seem to be in your face every minute of your life. So what can you do?

1. Change your environment 

It sounds easier said than done but that’s what it is. You’re not rooted like a tree and people move around all the time. It doesn’t sound easy because you’re not sure if you can adapt to another environment and there’s that certain comfort that you get from staying put. But since you can only control your own actions, you’ll have to decide if you want to allow your environment to limit yourself.

2. Be nicer

Although there’s a difference between being kind and being a carpet for others to walk over, the first reaction you could adopt is to be nicer as nasty people will be confused and wonder why you’re not “getting back” at them.

3. Maintain some distance

Not everyone wants to be around you all the time and you don’t wanna be around some people all the time either. Create the space that you need so you could still be sharing the same breathing space as those nasty people.

Nasty people are also nasty to themselves without realizing it so if there’s not much you could do to help them become better people, it’s simply because they choose not to!

What To Do When You Are Made To Choose Between Your Partner And Your Family

    
You do not want to choose either side because both are equally important. 

But the truth is, whoever makes you choose is the one(s) whom you have to gently tell them, “Love does not contain hate”.

And you “choose” the side that doesn’t make you do anything – until the other side begins to understand their toxicity in making you torn apart between two important sides.

Think about it; you didn’t make anyone choose anything. If your partner wants you to separate from your family, ask yourself these:

– Is your family loving towards both of you and being supportive of you? If so, then your partner has his or her own problem that he or she needs to solve either by themselves or with your help.
– Is your family disrupting your relationship? No one likes to be put at the back of a burner so both sides should be able to discuss or be mindful of schedules. For example, if your partner or family wants to go on a trip with you, they need to check with you and your partner’s schedules and you do need to let your partner know. 

Just think about it – would your mum go on a trip with you without letting her partner know? While we all have the freedom to do what we want, it is considerate to inform or discuss with your partner who might need you.

If your family wants to separate you from your partner, ask yourself the following:

– Is your partner rude, unkind and treat your family badly? Does your partner also abuse or cause you to lead a “bad” life by stealing money from you or doing drugs at home etc?
If so, you can either help your partner or seek professional help so that your partner can be kinder and nicer towards your family, and become a more responsible adult who can contribute to the well being of you and him or her.

– Is your partner treating you well? Is he or she cheating on you, or physically abusing you at home? Is he or she making you do things that you don’t want to do?

If you’re not treated well (we don’t mean you get treated like a Queen but more in the sense of, you get more slaps than hugs and kisses), then you either let your partner know or ask yourself if you are treating your partner well. You should not, however, tolerate domestic violence and should seek professional help.
If either your partner or family is making you choose because they don’t like each other’s religion, race, language, nationality, sexual orientation, physical appearances etc, it means the reasons are purely superficial and it doesn’t help anyone if you encourage either of them to continue discriminating or holding prejudice against.

By recognising that kind and loving people will make you feel loved and to love, you are able to handle both sides better. 
However, some people “choose” either side especially the side that is toxic and forceful. By “leaving” either side temporarily, you are asserting self respect and letting that side know that you are not a puppet to be made to choose or “dump” people.

Do you encourage hate or love?

What To Do With People Who Are Fixed In Their Thinking

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bigots, life coach SG, life coaching, people issues, relationship talk, therapy, what to do with people with fixed thinking

  
Someone will always be happy or unhappy with what you’re doing. Some other will even want to approve or disapprove of what you eat and where you work too.

And sometimes, they really know where to push your buttons so you’d feel frustrated and annoyed by them. They appear to be insensitive or can’t be bothered that they have managed to get to you – even if you’re simply minding your own business.

So what do you do when you meet people who are hard core believers of their own beliefs and preferences? The following might help:

1. Focus on their behavior

If they’re able to behave like civilized people while discussing with you, you can focus on their actions rather than who they are as you don’t know for sure who they really are; they might not even know themselves!

So look at what they’re doing. Are they cursing, insulting, hurtling abuse or physically abusing you? If they exhibit any of these toxic behaviors, you have to let them know it is not ok by simply walking away or telling them it is not ok. By keeping silent and allowing their abuse to continue, you’re encouraging them to continue their abusing of you and that’s not ok. 

2. Realise that they’re themselves, just as you are yourself

Just like you have your own values and beliefs, they have theirs too. If everyone can discuss to compromise or appreciate one another’s individuality, then the differences can make life interesting. But if you don’t like people pushing their agenda upon you, you don’t have to push yours upon them either. 

Accept that they have their own beliefs and preferences based on their own unique life experiences, and that you have yours as well. The problem only comes when someone wants to tell the other what to do or make the other person feel bad for being themselves.

People who are open minded will make the effort to listen to what others say, without agreeing or disagreeing outwardly. 

3. Understand that everyone has their own way of life

You may not like the way some people live, for example, couples who still live with their parents. Maybe the couple is your sibling and his or her spouse. You don’t like the fact that your parents are washing their clothes and making sure they have dinner ready every night. 

But that is the way they want to live. If your parents had an issue with it, it is up to them to discuss with the couple. 

You wouldn’t want your aunt to comment on how you should meet your spouse’s sexual needs either. So why butt in others’ affairs?

Unless you’re asked for your opinion or you see potential violence, keep your opinions to yourself and focus on giving more love.

What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Do

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1 minute reads, critical thinking, deep thinking, life coach SG, life coaching, love life, personal development, personal well-being, relaxation, the indo expat, therapy, what to do when you dont know what to do

  
There are moments where you feel you can’t do anything about a situation or you’re not quite sure what your next step is. It makes you feel like lying in bed all day long, and not do anything at all.
Some people call it laziness, procrastination and more. Whichever name you’d like to or not like to call it, you’re either bothered by this or you’re not sure if you even are.

How has your week been? Which time of the day have you taken to relax or destress in some way?

If you haven’t, your body may now be making you do so.

If you have, your body may still be making you do so.

You can make your body work even when it’s tired but it can’t make you work when you don’t want to.

But if you’re bothered by the fact that you don’t know what to do next, think about the following:

– Why is this bothering you? If it’s not bothering you, what’s making you wonder what to do next?

– So if you’re bothered by not knowing what to do next, what is the matter and how is it important to you?

– Do you have a timeline for solving the issue?

If there’s nothing seriously bothering you but you’re bothered by the fact that nothing is bothering you, you could try doing something that you like or something that is different from your usual routine. Record the way you feel after that and read what you wrote a few hours later or even after a couple of days.

Stay charged!