Back for 2022

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2022, expat lifestyle, life coach, life coach for expats, life coaching, pandemic, personal development, personal growth, positive psychology, relationship issues, relationship talk, self development, the indo expat

Hi readers

How have you been? I know it’s been a while – several years. If you’re still following my blog, I want to say thank you. I’m truly grateful that you resonate with some topics here and have been sharing with me some of yours. I almost wanted to say that writing sometimes feels similar to going to a gym – it always starts off regular and then laziness sets in. I’m not going to say “life happens” because it is actually laziness, distraction and procrastination. You’d think that the COVID-19 pandemic gave all of us a lot more time to dig out past hobbies and revive them. Well, I did. I did more Mari Kondo-ing of my room, my items, and I even opened the Body Shop shower gels that I bought before the pandemic.

I’m glad it hasn’t been a decade since I’ve touched most of my things. Well, the ones that will eventually expire anyway.

Anyway, much of this blog was created in the hope that you the reader find something useful, something entertaining, something meaningful, something insightful and so on. I know when I’m sometimes googling mindlessly online or go through certain life events where I just want to check out what others have got to say about their similar experiences, I really appreciate the effort that writers make to share their thoughts, feelings and basically pieces of them. I’d probably never meet even 1% of the writers who have been contributing to the online literature but if you are one of such writers, I hope you’re continuing your craft more diligently than I do.

Anyway, I’m back and I will try my best to share my ramblings on mostly ourselves as I’m very person-centred and believe that every one of us can have the life that we want.

Why Working on You is the Best Project/Plan

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feelings, gratitude, inspiration, interesting reads, lifestyle, love, love life, meditation, motivation, psychology, self improvement, thinking, time

Photo by THE COLLAB. on Pexels.com

Taking time off to work on yourself is an incredible feeling. In fact, it’s probably more of a common sense than a hype these days. So we are halfway through the year 2019 and some of us may feel time flew past us without us realising, but some of us may feel relieved that we are approaching a new year.

Whether you feel time is passing fast or slow, the topic on you goes on. In this post, I’d like to talk about what working on ourselves includes.

We hear of people who take a gap year, go on trips around the world, start a new hobby or even leave a job – and they all can contribute to personal growth in many ways, on various levels. Besides the ones mentioned above, people may go into personal growth by doing the following:

• Enrol in courses based on personal interests/gains
• Enter a new relationship or re-enter a previous relationship
• Make changes to current lifestyle
• Relocate to overseas
• Learn a new language
• Go on a mission trip
• Try new foods
• Establish a startup to solve a problem
• Take care of a pet

And the list goes on. The question now is, what are on your list and how will you go about doing them?

 

Follow us on Instagram at @whatyouknowaboutyou and @theindoexpat for more inspiration!

Email us at theindoexpat@gmail.com with your comments and feedback. We’d love to hear from you!

How to Heal After an Unwanted Breakup

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CBT, how to heal after an unwanted breakup, hypnotherapy, life coach, life coach for expats, life coach SG, life coaching, mindfulness, psych central, psychology, psychotherapy, relationship issues, relationship talk, self healing, SFBT, the indo expat, what you know about you

instagram @whatyouknowaboutyou

It’s not like I’ve forgotten what loving my ex was like. It’s not possible, and it’s always going to be a part of my story. But after a lot of crying, self-doubting and all the stages of a breakup, I decided to write a post on what I appreciate about that relationship. 

And I sincerely hope this post can help you if you’re in a similar position.

It’s still hard for me to listen to songs we used to sing to and photos of precious moments. But I’ve mustered some courage and willingness to write something I appreciate about my relationship with my ex because it was a special one when it lasted. 

I learnt what I’m capable of doing when I really love a person. I could cross the seas and brave turbulous skies as I flew back and forth to be near to the one I love. I could see the new environment as a livable place and adapt to the local food, culture and way of living. I could push myself to look for work there in order to pay bills and have a good lifestyle.

Most importantly though, I never gave up. I’ve never given up on the person I love, and I stayed by their side until they left me.

I also learnt that I’m not as patient as I thought I was, and I’m not able to focus on one thing at a time (I tend to multitask and get distracted). I’m also not always good at communicating effectively and I need to be more mindful of the impact of my language on others. I still cannot cook very well but enough to feed myself and the one I love. 

And I learnt that when I love someone, I am determined to see the world through rose-tinted glasses. It’s as if the world can only be more beautiful. 

At least, that’s what I get myself into, when I’m happily loving someone.

One day, I’ll be happy again.

What To Do When Your Love Relationship Is Gone In A Blink

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blog on relationships, coping strategies, couples counselling, how to deal with a sudden breakup, life coach, life coaching, relationship issues, relationship talk, the indo expat, unwanted breakups

From @whatyouknowaboutyou Instagram

If you’re reading this, you probably went through endless websites to find out why your partner could love you so much one day and then tell you it’s over the next day.

Yes, I’m with you on this because I have just experienced it not too long ago. I have also identified with the stages of breakup, and I believe I’m still somewhere at the beginning or close to the middle of it. 

Like you, I was confused. I treated the person well, did things that you could only find in fairytales, but yet I was given a sudden goodbye, just when I thought things were going well – or at least the day before the breakup.

Many websites will tell you that the person didn’t just do it overnight and that they had thought about it for months or even years beforehand. But as I attempt to rewind all the scenes before the final one, nothing actually made any sense. Either that or my partner was an Oscar actor and I was dumber than dumb. But when you go all the way out to make your loved one feel love and spend quality time together, it’s hard to imagine the next day would be a cold and cruel one as you looked into their eyes. 

That’s right. Even my partner’s eyes didn’t give me a window to their soul. Maybe I was indeed blinded by this person whom I thought loved me very much. Maybe this person did. But they just couldn’t face their own demons. And so they lashed at the nearest person – me.

Like a wounded dog, I was hurt and angry at the wounds inflicted upon me, and I limped along. Unlike my previous breakups though, I decided to let myself feel the pain, instead of finding quick antidotes to heal. I was lucky that I did not bring my previous baggage into my new relationships. 

That means I trusted with all my heart. And I possibly ignored red flags.

But when you love someone, you want to see the good in them. You want to forgive and forget the bad in them, unless of course, they’re physically abusive. But I have since learnt that mental abuse can be just as damaging, if not worse, than the physical one. Because mental abuse is not as visible as the physical one, it is even harder to heal. You can’t simply put some medicine or get an injection or surgery to fix yourself. 

Then I realised that I have been masking my eyes; I simply didn’t want to accept that people can be cruel and not as nice as I paint them to be. It is only when they hurl so much crap into my face that I couldn’t stomach anymore that I actually started to see them in a different light. 

So yes, some of us get to know what our limit or threshold is, especially in a bad situation.

Like most of you though, I go through cycles where I got angry and was determined to convince myself that I had dodged a bullet as I did not need to spend the rest of my life with such a cruel partner; and other days I recalled the good times we had, and the little things that were specially done for me to make me feel loved.

Of course, the latter only brought me tears.

So if you’re going through a hard time now after a sudden unwanted breakup, I hope you know that it is ok to feel the pain but take care of yourself because there is a lot of beauty awaiting you in life.

When (You Think) You Have Nothing to Look Forward To

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dealing with negative thoughts, personal development, positive psychology, relationship issues, self development, the indo expat, when you have nothing to look forward to

Have you ever been to a party and felt lonely even though hundreds of people are there with you? How about even if your friends are all having lots of fun and cheering you on to join them but you’re simply not in the mood?

So you sit there and may even feel that the party’s boring. 

It’s probably just one of those days, you think to yourself. Or, perhaps, there is an underlying reason that you already know causes this lack of energy in you. You may or may not feel comfortable with this lack of interest or Low energy that you are having now. You’re also aware of this, which is why you’re wondering if that’s normal. 

It is normal. You are normal.

Believe it or not, even clowns and entertainers have days and situations where they just don’t feel like doing anything. It’s like Bruno Mars understood you and the radio plays “today I don’t feel like doing anything”.

But this post is for those who do know why they’re feeling a little dark and gloomy. You know what happened recently and it was probably not something good. That issue or problem is also still unsolved as you’re reading this and you probably want a solution or at least want to do something about it. Maybe it seems a bit far fetched right now, because while you could do what you can do, it does not mean you’d get the outcome that you want. But the good thing is, you can feel better, and when you feel better you could do more of what you like. 

When we place high hopes and great effort in our life goals, it is inevitable that we will be disappointed if the result is not ideal or the situation becomes something that we never thought it would be. No one likes to fail and we all want what we want. 

It can feel like the end of the world. But while the world is still running and if it isn’t the end of it, what would you like to be doing?

What Really Happens When You Try NC

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breakup stories, finding peace after a breakup, life coach, life coach for expats, life coaching, nc, relationship issues, relationship talk, the indo expat, what does going NC actually feels like

Like some of you, I couldn’t bring myself to do no contact despite reading from thousands of websites. I did so much reading that I could possibly produce a thesis on the topic of NC. 

So I did the exact opposite of NC. I kept in touch with her a lot, told her I really loved her and that I was in pain, told her that I would wait for her and always replied her messages as soon as I got them. My wounds were fresh and I was in such pain that I wanted the cure from the one who caused me the pain. Does that make sense? It did at that time. So when she said things such as “I will look for you until the day I die”, I actually felt happy. It was as if I’ve received an anaesthetic injection and the pain was gone – or at least I couldn’t feel it anymore. For that moment.

From what I understood about NC, it’s about not being proactive in contacting the former partner. That means no texting, no calling, no emailing and not even “liking” their posts and photos on their Instagram and other social media. Apparently, whenever we do that, it enables their behavior and they will feel less “bad” for hurting us. The NC can be as short as four months and as long as a few years. The point of NC, some people say, is to make our former partners miss us. It’s also supposed to give them time and space to think about us, especially when at that moment they could be expecting us to still be at their feet, wanting and willing to do anything to reconcile with them. 

I couldn’t imagine not talking to her for even a day, let alone a month. Even when we fought and she gave me the silent treatment, it was a day or two. And the longest we went (after the breakup) without communicating was a week. 

We went through a roller coaster ride of emotions as I kept my hopes high and kept my communication with her active. But when things felt too good, I sought her confirmation that she still loved me. I tried to get her to see that the breakup was illogical and then we had too much history together than to simply give it up like that. And, out of the blue, she reacted furiously and said things that I never thought I would hear from her (it’s not the first time she said mean things though). All that did was to take me back to more heartache as I got more disappointed. I also replayed our good moments in my mind several times, searched for the best of her and convinced myself that she “had no choice”. 

I just couldn’t accept that she had broken the promises that she made and the person she had become or shown herself to be.

So, being nice and good to her didn’t help. Everyone said I had to heal myself first and that taking care of myself is my priority now. I was not performing well at work and I woke up with tired looking eyes every morning. I didn’t like the low energy and gloomy outlook on life that I had developed for myself. 

Slowly but gradually, I resisted the urge to be nice to her. I remained polite and responsive, but I tried my best not to think about her by occupying my time with work and doing other things. Then I realized that going on NC was really for myself. When I resisted being proactive like how I used to, I had more time for myself. I also got to do things that I didn’t have time for and started reading more on self development rather than my usual business reads. 

While the thought of reconciling with her flashes at me every now and then, I have managed to keep my tears minimal and focus my attention elsewhere. It’s not easy and it does take a lot of denial, anger and pain to be at peace with her and myself. 

We all need peace and more love.

What Happens to Your Body When You’re Broken Hearted – the Science of it

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acceptance therapy, finding peace for yourself, heartache, life coach, life coach SG, life coaching, peace, positive psychology, psychology, reality theory, relationship issues, relationship therapy, the indo expat, the science of a broken heart

I came upon the above infographic when I was scrolling through endless articles on relationships and heartaches. 

I was going through it myself. 

You know how that feels/felt. For me, I experienced difficulty in breathing and I couldn’t stop tearing up every few minutes. Crying it out and allowing myself to soak in the despair made me think that I was pathetic.

But after reading through enough to write a thesis, I realised that I had to go through all that hurt and pain in order to actually start healing. Of course, I couldn’t accept that idea initially because I wanted to feel better and I couldn’t see how crying my eyes out and curling up like a baby helped.

Then out of nowhere, I came across this article that talked about the science of a broken heart. While I was fascinated with the facts, I found that I also realised that I didn’t want to do that to my body. 

It was tougher than I thought. But I had to start somewhere, somehow. So although I was reluctant to try the “advice” in the articles on how I could take care of myself, I was actually worried that my body would “suffer” further. Besides, I didn’t have any other better ideas.

So I tried to breathe with relaxation techniques. Nothing major, nothing rocket science, just me stopping to catch deep breaths whenever I felt like my chest was getting tight or that I was having short and quick breaths that I didn’t enjoy. Just inhaled deeply. And exhaled deeply. And I repeated these as much as I liked, as long as I wanted.

I paused in silence several times when I took those deep breaths. My tears eventually stopped and my body felt cool. I could lift up an arm or two as if I’m “unloading” the heaviness that I felt in them. Then I started to do light stretching, popped in good music, and just basked in my own private space and moment.

It felt good. Not sure how long that lasted but I enjoyed the moment. My moment. 

I practised that many times until I got into a much calmer state of mind. I still break down occasionally but they were brief and I could compose myself enough to get on with my work and face the world.

Is this my reality? Am I giving up if I don’t feel strongly about the situation? 

I realised I don’t have to answer them now. In fact, I may not need to answer them at all. But the process of pondering over these questions and many more added to my peace. 

What can give you peace? What have you tried? What worked well or not so well for you?

If the science of a broken heart is showing us what happens to us when we go through a heartache, then I find myself asking when can I try to improve part by part of myself and my body. When our hearts are broken, it can feel as if your heart is being stomped upon and there’s a certain heavy feeling of being stuck and/or trapped in some way. Others may feel physical pain that includes redness or breakouts in certain parts of their bodies. 

All in all, it’s not a good feeling. But what if going through this “not good feeling” can help to reduce your stress or potentially help to or is an actual part of your road to recovery? 

Do you want to recover? Never mind that at this point it seems impossible. The main point here is about what you want versus what you’ve already given up hope on. You’d probably want to be that person you like to see in the mirror. And even if all you want is to get your ex partner back, you’d want them to want you too.

So take your time to heal, but a little science on helping you to deepen how your body gets affected could help you to reevaluate your priorities.

When Your Partner Chooses His/Her Family Over You

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couple talk, life coach, life coaching, love, online coaching, relationship coaching, relationship issues, relationship talk, the indo expat, true love, when your partner chooses their family over you

I met this wonderful girl whom I thought was my true love. She was fun, beautiful, smart and ultra caring. We were both physically and mentally attracted to each other and got close pretty quickly.

She seemed like an independent, strong and interesting girl; she drove herself to places, worked in a respectable position, and moved in with me as I crossed the oceans to be with her. Living with her was one of the highlights; we cooked sumptuous and original meals for each other, held parties and invited friends for movie and dinner nights where we had lots of laughter and authentic sharing, and went on adventurous road trips. 

I thought to myself, “Where has this girl been all my life? But it’s better late than never.”

I was on cloud nine. I felt like the luckiest and happiest person on earth. I was very motivated and inspired to carve a good life for my girl and I. Even as I lived in an unexpected village with basic living essentials being compromised, I didn’t care. I only cared about her, and in caring about her I cared about things that were associated with her.

Life was great.

Fast forward to a couple of years later, I found myself being dropped by her as her family was against our relationship due to their own prejudice. Even though from the beginning of our relationship they were already against us, the intolerance for our love grew and eventually they erupted.

Her living environment changed due to her work conditions and she moved back to live with her family. She didn’t have any excuse to be living outside of her hometown as her family would not accept reasons that did not belong to the “no choice” nature. Her previous residence in other places outside of her hometown were due to the schools that she attended and the work places she was assigned. She could not tell her family that we were meeting monthly as they would be upset. So we had to meet secretly as she was also being spied on by her parents.

I was devastated by our abrupt breakup. The breakup crippled me and for the first time in my life, I actually thought of ending my life. I really did not see it coming. And I blamed myself while I tried to figure out what I could have done to salvage the situation.

But I realised there was nothing I could do to remove her family’s prejudice. Even as I told them that my doors were open to them, they chose not to. They don’t even choose to support their own daughter whose only “crime” was loving someone who loves her, just like any other couple.

I also realised that throughout our relationship, her being unable to deal with her parents’ unreasonable requests that we shouldn’t meet were signs of her dependence on them. I trusted and believed that she knew what she was doing to handle the situation. I went along with it as much as I could, and because I wanted it to work I was fine with being invisible. I considered the fact that at least her family and friends knew we were together and that she was my Girlfriend, and that we loved each other very much. I also thought it was a matter of time that she becomes more confident or better in handling challenges. I was in and out of the storm together, and I thought such struggles would only make us stronger as humans.

She told me she wasn’t choosing me or her family. But she’s now with them.

Why It’s Ok To Take Your Time In Finding That “Perfect Partner”

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life coach, life coach for expats, life coaching, love, positive psychology, positivity, relationship issues, relationship talk, relationship therapy, the indo expat, what people want in relationships, why its ok to wait for the one

Some of you may be thinking, “But there’s no such thing as a perfect partner. Having flaws is being human“.

The “perfect partner” here is someone who’s the one you have chosen to be with, to go through everything with, and one whom you can imagine building your life with and that you see them all the way to your future.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve had your fair share of heartbreaks and disappointments. Sometimes you wonder if your “failures” are going to make you feel jaded about ever finding a decent partner. But if you’re desperate for a partner, you’ll be barking up the wrong trees or you can simply grab whoever is available and miss out on the one who’s really for you.

Although I’d like to believe in fate and destiny, I’d also like to be practical about opening too many doors. Obviously if you’re reading this as a high school student rather than a working adult, your priorities differ and you may want to experiment as much as you can.

But if you’re already done with experimenting and find it tedious to be going through one relationship after another, then you’re probably looking for someone whom you can continue your life journey with. You can imagine how difficult it would be to be going on a long road trip with people who keep coming in and out of your car; it can be distracting for some of us. For me, it makes me feel like I have many one-time short stories within my book and no consistent character to focus on. 

Imagine watching a movie with no protagonists; it’s all come-and-go characters. There will be no foundation for a good storyline to develop because we can hardly interpret anything from the little or lack of relationship between the characters and everything else. It’s like taking a teaspoon of every dish at a buffet and but you’re unable to recommend to your friends on any basis. It’s also like having a good book in your hands but not knowing what makes it a good one because you only read the back cover’s summary or few sentences about how awesome it is.

So, you already know that you need to go for what you want in life. You can go for the best and settle for nothing less, or not. After all, your satisfaction and quality of your own life solely depend on you, not even your partner’s, family’s or friends’. You may be part of entities, but you’re a whole part of your own. Think of pizzas. Every slice is a part of the bigger pie. But if one slice doesn’t contain at least one piece of the essential ingredient (eg mushrooms or bacon) while the other seven slices do, then whoever chooses that one slice with no mushrooms and bacon will feel they’re missing out.

The ingredients of your own life are spread across different parts of your journey. You choose to place them accordingly, and it’s up to you what your pizza should look like.

When we fall in love, we choose to look for the best in our partners. Some of us may struggle with this due to our own personal issues but the essence of love is to have a balance of both the positives and negatives. Although thinking of someone as “godsend” may be attractive, is it realistic? Are you even a godsend to your partner? How do you know?

People in mature relationships tell me that their relationships are far from flawless – and that’s the beauty of it. By having flaws, it allows the couple to work together as a team. If you’re in a team where you’re doing most of the work in a project, is it still a team or an individual baggaged with a group of people who tag along?

Some of us don’t even have the courage to let our partners know how we would like them to work with us on improving certain things. I was in such a relationship; my partner preferred silence or quick chats with immediate solutions. The truth is, there are no shortcuts to life. We can’t fast forward our lives as if we are on a DVD player.

The amount of time that you need to determine if someone is the one for you is entirely up to you. There are theories and advice out there that give you formulas but the best formula is from you.

(Source: @whatyouknowaboutyou from Instagram)

When You Ignore Red Flags

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life coach, life coach for expats, life coach SG, life coaching, longing for love, loving someone with no empathy, psychology and love, relationship coaching and counselling, relationship issue, the indo expat, true love, when you ignore red flags

Think about someone you love or loved. How would you describe the person and your feelings towards them?

To you, they may be the most beautiful person on earth.

Even when they’re yelling and swearing at you.

To you, they can do no wrong and even if it’s not your fault they were late for work because they didn’t set their own alarm clock, you still apologise or try to make up for their unhappiness over their own doing.

What’s going on?

The sexy, confident you has now become meek and it feels like you’re walking on eggshells because you don’t want to do anything that would flare up your beloved partner. You even absorb and accept it when they tell you your hair looks horrible or you’re too short and won’t look good in those jeans.

You actually thought that you had to do something to change so that they would say you’re attractive. Or at least they would stop complaining about you to you or people around you two.

Yet you hold back on your partner’s flaws because you don’t think they’re such a big deal or you don’t let them bother you because you love your partner. In fact, you tell them they look good and even when they fart you laugh and think it’s lovely. After all, he or she is your angel, and you want to focus on their good qualities right?

Then when you find yourself picking up tabs all the time and they don’t offer to share the costs or even buy you a meal once in a while, you still thought it’s ok because you love your him/her. Never mind that couples around you seem to be sharing happily.

You carry out errands on their “requests” which are actual commands but when you try the same on them, they give you excuses or simply tell you no. But of course, you know their reactions when you try telling them no.

You work like a dog as you think about the future that you want to build with them, and you try to get them whatever they like or need. Never mind that they got angry at you when you don’t get certain things for them every now and then.

If their friends or family dislike or talk bad about you, they don’t stand up for you like they used to. In fact, they seem to be glued to their phones and message endlessly while you’re eating with them or trying to share with them something interesting. And if you want to discuss some issues or talk about something deep, they’re usually tired, sleepy or look uninterested. You can look upset or affected but they don’t come over to hug you and ask you, “What’s wrong?”

They get sensitive or defensive when you ask them about personal matters and suddenly it’s as if it’s none of your business. Never mind that when they ask you and you don’t divulge details, they get mad at you and start a Cold War.

You start bringing them more gifts because these short-term solutions seem to make them happy for that moment – and it made you happy as well. But it isn’t long before they flare up again – or dump you. No matter how much thought you put into certain gifts, they dismiss it as merely items though they used to even treasure that stuff toy.

And you thought that diamonds were a good representation to signify forever love – but in the end they only saw the price tag and not the message behind it; even though the ring wasn’t exactly cheap either. Where’s your ring from them anyway?

My moment of truth came when I looked into her eyes as her glared at me angrily as I told her I was upset about something and that I wanted to share with her.

“But I’m sleepy,” she would yawn in my face. “I’m going to sleep.”

“Oh ok well I also wanted to ask you if you want this pair of heels that I saw online the other day.”

Suddenly there was no more sleepiness.